What kind of kid were you in elementary school? Were you the first to be picked in gym class and invited to every birthday party? Or were you a little more reserved, preferring to spend recess alone?
New research published in The Elementary School Journal is offering a glimpse into the interior lives of schoolchildren, and the good news is that playing solo isn’t necessarily a prelude to unhappiness.
Psychologists from the University of Georgia asked more than 470 fourth- and fifth-graders to list fellow students who preferred to play alone, despite getting along well with others. They were also asked to report on the quality of their own one-on-one friendships and how they felt about belonging to a larger group.
“By fourth and fifth grade, peer groups are more established, children have developed stronger social skills, and they have more experience interacting with one another,” study author Rachael Pfanz said in a statement. “At that point, they’re better able to recognize who is regularly playing alone and who is becoming isolated.”
The researchers found that the kids whose names kept popping up on their classmates’ “not social” list also tended to be less satisfied with their social standing in the class. Interestingly, these loners still reported having fulfilling one-on-one friendships. Withdrawn students who placed a premium on belonging fared much better. While they preferred playing solo, they seemed to be happier with individual friendships as well as their place in the class. According to the team, this value placed on belonging to a larger group may act as a buffer against feeling lonely.
Read more: “Why You May Have More Friends Than Your Friends Do”
“These kids prefer to be alone and do their own thing rather than playing with their peers, but they still have that other flip side of getting along well with others,” Pfanz explained. “They will not always reject social invitations like the other group, though. If they’re invited, they will sometimes participate and socialize with others. That higher importance of belonging drives them to engage in more social invitations when maybe they wouldn’t want to, and that suits them well.”
While there are some heartening silver linings here, the researchers note that it’s around this time when children start building their social skills and learning to navigate larger group dynamics. If loners continue to withdraw and turn down invitations to play, the invitations may stop coming, leaving them trapped in a dispiriting dynamic.
So what can parents and teachers do to help withdrawn kids stay in the Goldilocks area of socialization?
According to the team, being mindful of their comfort levels can help, but they may also need some prodding. “Maybe don’t ask them to go join the big soccer game right away on the playground. That’s a little overwhelming if they’re already preferring to play alone,” Pfanz said. “Instead, encourage those solo kids to go join a small group that has similar behaviors and see how that goes.”
Kids, like adults, just need a group that matches their vibes. 
Enjoying Nautilus? Subscribe to our free newsletter.
Lead image: Fendi / Adobe Stock
